Do It All For You.

A boy, a little boy who lived on the second floor in his parent’s house stood near his room window during a cold winter watching a seed that slept alone outside while it watched the little boy stare back. The seed lay still on the cold grass in front of the boy’s window waiting for someone, wanting someone for deed without a list to give. The boy felt the hurt and the boy was trained to protect nothing out of his four by four rooms so, the boy did what he could only do. Stare. The wind spoke so fast and the night hurt with pain and nothing less. The seed had to watch everything else around him blossom up into perfection and yet it stood there with nothing but him. The boy grew a heart towards the seed within time and felt stuck in a little maze called reality. A reality he lived in, a reality where rules didn’t make him grow, one that didn’t make him love others or himself. The boy lived beside that window during that cold winter watching that seed stare back with fear. They both became a sabre glued into a stone waiting for the hero to save them and show them off to the world. The wait became the clock and the pain became every gun shot. A life with the door wide open and a gun on standby, they pretended to laugh and enjoy but they wished they could have felt and loved. They wished they could erase the pain without telling the world who they were, two different worlds and yet one world and so close.

Light to Night

90 was the year it all started. It was the year I first opened my eyes and it was the year I first heard the yelling. 90 started as a memo. A memo I didn’t want to take with me but was forced with no words. I took it and it hid. No one could have seen the fear or the confusion. I walked that straight line when life kept pushing me. I kept fighting back and I felt a feel. I knew I was getting stronger. The melody was dancing around my fulmar. The word memorable was being used in my circle and I understood. Life was playing with me and not gaining upon me. Thoughts never hated me and the sun always said hi.


Twenty years later…it was a role just to find myself here, right here. I don’t know anymore. I used to run to the “It” and now I’m lost. I don’t know what I want. I used to know how to put a smile on and play along but I find the closer I get to the end the harder it is to smile. My fulmar stopped dancing and flew to its freedom giving me time to face what I’ve done and do my time. I find it hard for me to let someone in. I find it so much easier to hate then to love. I thought I wanted to grow and learn. It all turned around and now I can’t give an answer. I can’t answer myself, I can’t tell myself why I should still be here, right here. An ovation is needed by the realm because I love you but not enough to cry.

Misread

I opened my eyes that morning knowing you were standing upon me with that smart white smile flashing straight into my eyes. I opened my eyes and a white wall that stood there looking straight through me covered the man I wanted to see. I woke up that morning with a bright sun watching over me but a dark dream holding me back. I lay on the mattress looking at the ceiling and thoughts kept ringing into my mind. I wanted so much in a little section called nothing but that section offered so much. So little became too much to handle. Learning the ending isn’t near and the beginning hasn’t started. I haven’t found.

I need A Moment

It was just night and light day by day
To the point where life was a dirty knee and a bad luck factor
Watching a hill grow into a mountain was something chosen
Everyone was picked and I stood there waiting to climb a team
I’ve watched lives go in depth before my eyes
I’ve had a life but I guess I’ve been chosen to watch
Watch a hill turn into a mountain
I’ve learned I hate watching
Can someone watch me?

Simple Enough

I was in the capital city of love.

I was told you don’t come to this city just to leave stronger, but to come to this city to find a home with every door welcoming you with the language we desire. Walking down a street or sitting on a bench while reading a book, you will realize and discover the most pointless chic a human can look at and that pointless nothing turns into a romance, talking to a stranger becomes a good friendship. Non bar and non beer just a simple coffee shop, a little city where you would hear a young man asks for nothing but a peaceful and elegant night. A city where shopping doesn’t cost much but still attention would be recognized, a dark morning would be lightened with beautiful smiles and a fresh baguette with orange juice for the ones who still sleep. Love is never to be searched it is to be found in the common but rare places. Eating healthy, dressing lovely, walking peacefully is a culture and not an option.

I was in the capital city of love.

Study the Wrong

I entered the room as if I was walking on fire with my bare feet and had no emotion on my face.
Every eye ball clicked towards me like some robot army.
All the men dressed like wealth and all the women spoke like queens.
Every step I took felt like a mile.
I knew who I was and I didn’t give a shit.
To my shirt through my mask I was the kid who fucked things up.
A table designed to serve drinks we call a bar I joined.
A Manhattan then to the next glass of joy.
A mile felt like a second of nothing.
A man so kind took control like a king to its town.
Who, where, I didn’t care.
The kid I knew wasn’t there.
The king took control and became a scary dream.
A wall of dark I was between the man I followed was there too.
I was stuck and I had no control of my own body.
My eyes closed shut and my power became visible.
A new world that kept turning became a world I didn’t want to join.
A bed I laid on. A bed I stood alone.
Nothing but a camera that left no evidence stood upon me.
A kid I didn’t know much of but knew so much.

Mind of Design

I was laying under the sun listening to the wind, joyful bells, and people’s voices with no words. I laid on top of my green towel with my eyes shut giving peace to the mind. The world was a thriller with so much action but my mind was a killed deer. I thought about so much but had no thought.

I hated when life brought one to a dead end but I haven’t answered a question when it comes to crossing the red line. Sweating for months and months of construction I finally have dug the whole under the dead end and scrambled to the other side just to find out I would be the lost puppy. When crossed I stood there on the other side by myself not knowing how to handle my surroundings. Crossing the dead end wasn’t a pass to success. Crossing the dead end turned into choices and challenges, happiness of my own or happiness of loved ones? Walking down a trail wasn’t just a walk it would have become a half an hour question fest. I had no answers and I had no smile to give but what I needed is to search for me and my smile. I can’t search in an area where it turns my mind into dust.

My eyes open and I see the orange sun dancing upon its children and I stayed laid down looking up while listening to voices but this time I could hear words. I stopped thinking even though it was only for that second, I know I can stop thinking.