Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Sun of Afterlife

I walked into the room with my hands wide open with possibility and held nothing but great love I walked through the doors and entered a room where a man who sat waiting in a four by four room
Walking a simple step would turn into an imagination complex where you create your own world
Your world could be anything and this anything could be perfect
A great story that desires a great heart
A heart so powerful that could turn your night into light with just a kiss through the air
A room that would open up a dark chapter and make it passable with a simple hike to memory lane
A life one thought couldn’t be open has just open doors so wide one couldn’t have missed
Leafs fall and rain turns into snow and your heart becomes warm
A room so powerful it brought nothing but soft endings
Journeys through volcanoes and terrifying lava turned into a super hero movie
A movie that would always let you shine and wouldn’t be forgotten
Chapters after chapters was possibilities one could have walked through instead of an end
I have not loved before and I have not found the answer of why
Fear of letting myself enter a world of real desire frightens me
I find myself as perfect as the world I have created and the world I have created is the world I am stuck in
A world where I find the man who sat in his four by four room just waiting for the one
His story has ended with kisses my story hasn’t began
I have walked into reality with wide open possibility and am holding nothing but great love

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Famous Stars

I put a life I once knew behind me and entered a world I didn’t know what it had to offer but fame. A Saturday night that held beautiful stars upon the people who worshiped them turned into a night full of fake bright stars that laid in wealth and laughed at people who worshiped them. My desire to know the normal and the world that once used to be on my side became a war with my own nightmare. A simple dream to contain a life with a loved one became money and that money turned into nothing but flashes and more flashes. A life so glamorous had to be so disgusting. I wanted to reach the stars and bring in the bright lights and I did but the lights never were bright enough to brighten my side but only yours. I watched and I had to and I loved it so I did just that till they wanted more and what I only had was my life and so I gave that up as I thought I wanted more. They took it into their hands and played with it like a game of baseball. My life turned into the ball and I kept being thrown to anyone who was wide open and available. The team kept winning but never satisfied with the numbers. A dream I once desired offered nothing but fame and here I was, standing underneath the stars knowing I was protected because I was one of them.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Listen to the Music Play

Dear John,
I have been keeping a secret from you for the past eight months and I don’t know how I may say this in a way where you heart wouldn’t fall and break into pieces. John I love you and you know that and I would never mean to hurt you in any way and I thought everything was going to be okay but I was wrong. You are the love of my life and you still are in so many ways I can’t even write them because when I think of them I would have to run and run to where you are and I can’t. I don’t want to lie anymore and I don’t want you to live a life where you can’t accept. I have been gone for the past eight months and that you know; I am not in Singapore anymore and I am very sorry but you must live a life where you don’t need to do anymore waiting. I won’t be coming back to Chicago anytime soon. I love you! So much! I am in a town where nothing but hell is observed. This letter is being read by the head of the town and certain information isn’t allowed to be told but I am allowed to tell you that I won’t be leaving this town for a very long time. I don’t know what I have done and I don’t know how to save myself but I want you to save yourself. Travel to the most beautiful cities in the world, dance to the most amazing music, and eat the most fabulous food the world can offer. My time has gone by so fast I didn’t have time to see it. Even though you’re going to find yourself in hell and find yourself confused but please do this for me. I will meet you somewhere sometime and to my love of my life I want nothing but to see smiles come toward me when I go near the most beautiful man on earth. This is the end of a beginning and I can’t say this enough John, but I love you.
I can’t put my pen down for some reason. I want to keep writing as I feel I am closer to you as possible right now. You changed my life, you are the first man who ever told me how beautiful I was, the first man who asked for my hand in marriage, the first man who taught me how to bake a real cheese cake, and the first man who would lie in bed with me for a whole weekend. I had it all and you gave it to me and I thank you so much. I have to go John. I will see you soon.
With love,

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Boy Who Played With the Devil

Many years together that a connection has grown over the people it watched. I have watched him grow and I have watched him try to love what was around him and what was in front of him. The years I watched him hate the small and the big but the connection between the two held him up high and I would love nothing but the in he held locked up and at times when the storm he created held us apart was brought to daylight; he would love back. Seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years would be a race around the track for the next. I watched while tears fell down his cheeks, while it hit the floor and crashed into the wooden floor. When I wasn’t afraid I laid right next to him while his body would freeze in confusion and thoughts. I wanted to understand. I wanted to know who he was, what he wanted and what happiness meant. A life so simple became so difficult and the word why flew as if it was the bird that sang to you every morning. A day filled with bright skies turned into a dark tent. A night filled with stars was nothing but another night. Dark was dark and dark meant alone and alone meant thoughts and thoughts turned into questions and those questions never had answers. At the age of seventeen he had seen the devil and they played hell and when he turned nineteen I watched him lay in bed watching time pass by as if it was a missed train. He looked back at me when I realized I was just the ghost, the ghost of the boy I tried helping and without warning another question ran through the two minds, what will it be, my heart or will it be his?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The End of A Lot

Three years later and the clock still routed in circles helping time pass by
I watched the sun rise up high looking upon its people
I watched leafs fall on to the ground as if they were being kicked out of their own homes
I watched white noise fly through the air till it turned into its own kingdom
I have watched seeds turn into lovers and became appealing to even those who don’t desire
Life is a circle and I am in the middle till the end
I will watch and sometime I will hide
But sometimes missing a moment so small could mean missing a lot
I used to be scared and I hated the feeling but fear is what helps me stand up
Even though I want the clock to stop at times I have learned it’s just for the best

Friday, October 29, 2010

Piece of Its Mind

The flashes started gaining up on the crystal as if it was a dead killer whale on shore
It shined like a new shinny penny with a special edition logo that everyone wanted
That crystal was loved by everyone that moved and breathed on earth
The crystal didn’t want to love back because love meant to accept
One thought and the thought cried
The world was out of its mind
A name was given but a background check was hidden
Just like a ghost, it wanted the world to know but be visible
Life filled with beauty and common tears
So much lip and words and all so came with a life very much alone
No matter what direction it took it always landed back in its mind
Even though it walked around like some ghost that held so much information
It, the crystal didn’t mind
The crystal didn’t care
Being sad was its playtime
Being held was making friends
Being wrong was right
One thought and the thought cried
Cried for more terror and fear
To be sad and walk away as if it was a ghost

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Worth the Drum

I wasn’t there but I saw everything that a human needs to see when it came to the side we called painless feel. I started off with words like “I’ll be here all for you” the words weren’t real they were what I call, fear. I did love, I did want, but I didn’t want to be what I was and I was someone who I couldn’t change because it became who I am now. I speak with no words and lovers could have told. They didn’t care they wanted the air to fly the way they taught it to. I was brought to pretend to create an image to those who question the lives we lived. I ran back to the door every time I had the chance to walk away free handed and I would kick the walls with black paint till the pain discovers a zone where it can relax and be free till the next group that becomes art. No one understood the art and no one ever cared. I have found the key to me and the key was to be sad and to be okay. That’s how I felt it, the feel I wanted to feel the feel that might get me out to the real world and not this world. I want to find out who I am but me is standing still in one stop and I wish I could be here just for you, just for you. The only person I love and I do really love you. The discovery just made the room more in silent and I have been hurt and I am here to play doctor with myself. No more the same, time to close the wide opened door and walk away to the welcome gates that yell out my name every night.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Love. Hate. Nature!

He didn’t know what it was. She didn’t know what it was. Yes, answers were been given but an error was acknowledged. I didn’t know what it was but I knew enough that it was wrong. Control isn’t possible but controlling it was. Limited possibility was said out loud. Options weren’t an option. Limited options were brought upon the face and yet they remained in the dark. The fear wasn’t bothering me, having the fear running away made the screams. I didn’t know what it was but I wanted more. The more it built a story the more I believed. The story never ends and that is because I wouldn’t let it. I want it to go away but I want it to stay. An answer has been given but an error was acknowledged. I wanted to fight it but now I want to fight with it. It was no angel, not enough information to believe it was a devil. I never understand and you never understood. Let’s keep it my way. No more words just another lip it will be.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Roses Aren't Red

Happiness crashed into the floor into a million pieces, just as simple as dropping a virgule glass not expecting an emotion
The eye had front row of a lie and the heart contained the truth
The world became a waiting room
It was done. The list no longer made smiles
The heart didn’t know what to do
Nothing ever happened and a daily life overflowed with days and days
No excitement and no wisdom was brought to a life with much need
Being happy wasn’t a choice anymore, it was forgotten
Life looked the same that way
People all looked like the devil and I was one of them
Being alone and running into the night was the social network
It felt good
I hated it
But I wanted it
I wanted more sadness
I wanted more tears
I wouldn’t care
I would build the climax right till the end
I am my own devil

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Do It All For You.

A boy, a little boy who lived on the second floor in his parent’s house stood near his room window during a cold winter watching a seed that slept alone outside while it watched the little boy stare back. The seed lay still on the cold grass in front of the boy’s window waiting for someone, wanting someone for deed without a list to give. The boy felt the hurt and the boy was trained to protect nothing out of his four by four rooms so, the boy did what he could only do. Stare. The wind spoke so fast and the night hurt with pain and nothing less. The seed had to watch everything else around him blossom up into perfection and yet it stood there with nothing but him. The boy grew a heart towards the seed within time and felt stuck in a little maze called reality. A reality he lived in, a reality where rules didn’t make him grow, one that didn’t make him love others or himself. The boy lived beside that window during that cold winter watching that seed stare back with fear. They both became a sabre glued into a stone waiting for the hero to save them and show them off to the world. The wait became the clock and the pain became every gun shot. A life with the door wide open and a gun on standby, they pretended to laugh and enjoy but they wished they could have felt and loved. They wished they could erase the pain without telling the world who they were, two different worlds and yet one world and so close.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Light to Night

90 was the year it all started. It was the year I first opened my eyes and it was the year I first heard the yelling. 90 started as a memo. A memo I didn’t want to take with me but was forced with no words. I took it and it hid. No one could have seen the fear or the confusion. I walked that straight line when life kept pushing me. I kept fighting back and I felt a feel. I knew I was getting stronger. The melody was dancing around my fulmar. The word memorable was being used in my circle and I understood. Life was playing with me and not gaining upon me. Thoughts never hated me and the sun always said hi.

Twenty years later…it was a role just to find myself here, right here. I don’t know anymore. I used to run to the “It” and now I’m lost. I don’t know what I want. I used to know how to put a smile on and play along but I find the closer I get to the end the harder it is to smile. My fulmar stopped dancing and flew to its freedom giving me time to face what I’ve done and do my time. I find it hard for me to let someone in. I find it so much easier to hate then to love. I thought I wanted to grow and learn. It all turned around and now I can’t give an answer. I can’t answer myself, I can’t tell myself why I should still be here, right here. An ovation is needed by the realm because I love you but not enough to cry.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I opened my eyes that morning knowing you were standing upon me with that smart white smile flashing straight into my eyes. I opened my eyes and a white wall that stood there looking straight through me covered the man I wanted to see. I woke up that morning with a bright sun watching over me but a dark dream holding me back. I lay on the mattress looking at the ceiling and thoughts kept ringing into my mind. I wanted so much in a little section called nothing but that section offered so much. So little became too much to handle. Learning the ending isn’t near and the beginning hasn’t started. I haven’t found.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I need A Moment

It was just night and light day by day
To the point where life was a dirty knee and a bad luck factor
Watching a hill grow into a mountain was something chosen
Everyone was picked and I stood there waiting to climb a team
I’ve watched lives go in depth before my eyes
I’ve had a life but I guess I’ve been chosen to watch
Watch a hill turn into a mountain
I’ve learned I hate watching
Can someone watch me?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Simple Enough

I was in the capital city of love.

I was told you don’t come to this city just to leave stronger, but to come to this city to find a home with every door welcoming you with the language we desire. Walking down a street or sitting on a bench while reading a book, you will realize and discover the most pointless chic a human can look at and that pointless nothing turns into a romance, talking to a stranger becomes a good friendship. Non bar and non beer just a simple coffee shop, a little city where you would hear a young man asks for nothing but a peaceful and elegant night. A city where shopping doesn’t cost much but still attention would be recognized, a dark morning would be lightened with beautiful smiles and a fresh baguette with orange juice for the ones who still sleep. Love is never to be searched it is to be found in the common but rare places. Eating healthy, dressing lovely, walking peacefully is a culture and not an option.

I was in the capital city of love.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Study the Wrong

I entered the room as if I was walking on fire with my bare feet and had no emotion on my face.
Every eye ball clicked towards me like some robot army.
All the men dressed like wealth and all the women spoke like queens.
Every step I took felt like a mile.
I knew who I was and I didn’t give a shit.
To my shirt through my mask I was the kid who fucked things up.
A table designed to serve drinks we call a bar I joined.
A Manhattan then to the next glass of joy.
A mile felt like a second of nothing.
A man so kind took control like a king to its town.
Who, where, I didn’t care.
The kid I knew wasn’t there.
The king took control and became a scary dream.
A wall of dark I was between the man I followed was there too.
I was stuck and I had no control of my own body.
My eyes closed shut and my power became visible.
A new world that kept turning became a world I didn’t want to join.
A bed I laid on. A bed I stood alone.
Nothing but a camera that left no evidence stood upon me.
A kid I didn’t know much of but knew so much.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Mind of Design

I was laying under the sun listening to the wind, joyful bells, and people’s voices with no words. I laid on top of my green towel with my eyes shut giving peace to the mind. The world was a thriller with so much action but my mind was a killed deer. I thought about so much but had no thought.

I hated when life brought one to a dead end but I haven’t answered a question when it comes to crossing the red line. Sweating for months and months of construction I finally have dug the whole under the dead end and scrambled to the other side just to find out I would be the lost puppy. When crossed I stood there on the other side by myself not knowing how to handle my surroundings. Crossing the dead end wasn’t a pass to success. Crossing the dead end turned into choices and challenges, happiness of my own or happiness of loved ones? Walking down a trail wasn’t just a walk it would have become a half an hour question fest. I had no answers and I had no smile to give but what I needed is to search for me and my smile. I can’t search in an area where it turns my mind into dust.

My eyes open and I see the orange sun dancing upon its children and I stayed laid down looking up while listening to voices but this time I could hear words. I stopped thinking even though it was only for that second, I know I can stop thinking.

Friday, July 23, 2010

At Swim, Two Boys

At Swim, Two Boys By: Jamie O'Neill
A book I grabbed for a joyful read while travelling seven hours on an airplane. At Swim, Two Boys took my heart out of my body and placed it between the words. Three days without putting the book down and my world became their world. My brain became its own. A must read!

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Burnt War

A shape that changes every time I find out who I am and there for my life has become a youth circle…a life that turns upside down and will let you hang on a string for a time then when you’re not looking it’ll loop back into its shape. Trying ethnic boundaries and being somebody who isn’t anybody is a simple task I feel I have to go through. Nothing and I mean the world hasn’t and doesn’t bring colour into my vision…but it does keep me in my black and white scene. Jumping to the next step sounds right but doesn’t look possible. I stand here under the stars looking at you and everyone that stands behind and I can’t see anything else. Feeling after feeling and a feeling I don’t trust.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I walked into the mist fearless and caution
I’ve never felt such a feeling
It was a feeling I didn’t know
I didn’t know if it was love or attraction
Lately everything around me has been a slow motion movie
A feeling so clever, I just didn’t care
So clever, it turned a fly into a fairy
I grabbed, he grabbed. We touched. Eyes shut
Separate teams and yet we both scored for the same team
Feeling and more feeling and I loved the feeling
Skin touched skin. Neon colours coloured the floor
Limit no more and limit we reach
Darkness that danced around turned into the climax
Lips becomes its own
War between sheets
We start making kids together
Sex I had, love between roses I can’t speak
We start
While the love enters the room
While I open my eyes
While I become myself
While I turn into, into me

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Give Nothing, Taking Everything

After a long day of berry picking she walked into her house in Colburn, North Yorkshire with excitement to show her father and mother her basket full of berries. She walked into the kitchen and set the basket on the wooden table that her father once made. The little girl who was twelve at the time ran around the house yelling for her mother. She circled the house once till she came across the kitchen again. She walked in slowly towards the wooden table where a piece of paper laid by itself. She picked up the piece of paper.

My love, Mirabella
I can’t forgive myself for what your father and I are putting you though. I had to leave for not just my safety but as well as yours. Your aunt Lela is going to meet you at our cottage down at the lake in a couple of days. Mirabella, please garb a suitcase and leave as fast as you can. Lela will tell you as much as she can. We will meet again, I promise. I love you.
Your mother, Tilly.

She set the paper back on the table and her ice blue eyes turned into a dark cold night. She walked toward the window and looked upon the bright sunset. A perfect day she thought turned into a day she no longer wants to remember. She grabbed everything she can and ran with fear to her parent’s cottage. While the dark was taking over the day she finally arrived to the lake. She dropped her suitcase and stood there then fell on her knees while tears dropped down. The cottage, her trail to answers was destroyed. She no longer had a letter to tell her what to do. She was alone and she was terrified.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

It's My Heart That Dies When You Come to Me

I stood there. I stood there watching the world disappear. I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything. It was my turn. My turn to pay, my turn to disappear, earth and everything in it won’t offer me a ticket and I am not one to fight. The clock kept ticking and my eyes kept getting darker. I would cry whenever I saw the storm. I would cry because I knew I was next. In time my heart grew stronger and strength for some control. My heart. My body stood there and took whatever my soul had to offer. My eyes would close and the clouds would get darker. Raindrops got thicker. Wind became runners. My world becomes real. Fear I’ve known for years becomes a noun. Within the sound of time my fear becomes my poison. The poison starts taking over my control. I become a different man. Every move…everything I’ve built sounds wrong. Angel and devil turns into devil and devil. No words. Quite from the outside. Nothing. We have to wait. Wait till dark turns into light. Light will make everything better but how long it lasts…I don’t know.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Picture of Art

8:00am when the alarm opened my eyes
The sun gazed towards his face
He laid there sleeping and I laid there taking in life
Nothing and yet everything
South of France sunset dinner we didn’t have
Take out dinner while sitting on the floor
Found television with limited channels
Painted walls with names and art of colour
Mattress in the middle of the room covered with pillows
Walls pined with drawings of love
Butt magazines laying on the bathroom floor
Walk in closet turned into a mini value village
Dirty clothes slept upon the king and king
Broken beautiful glasses lived in the sink
Floor covered in paint and pencils
Not much but so much

The Square

I sat near the window and watched the roads turn into white love
The city turned into a white wonderland with no enjoyment
Everyone was died and the city became a metaphor
I was alone and I had to watch the time go by without fear
Walking down a simple street turned into a dark tunnel
Feeling hunger felt so easy
Walking slow and observing the simple tasks around me was dawn
Looking around and feeling pleased felt wrong
It was a depression era being held in a four by four white room
Leaving the square door gave me one thought and that thought must go
I, a human left in a world I had to lift by myself
Little things and big things reminded me of no human
Sitting on a bench without looking to my right and left
A night full of bright sharp stars
Was a night full of outlying
Running through the wind to forget time
The end, just to realize I have to exit the way I started
Everything remains the same but me

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Eighteen years ago I was a different man
The pain has found me and started a home for itself in my heart
My smile, my joy, my soul
I wasn’t myself anymore
A devil, a witch, a monster
Stole my life and gave me an old one
I once thought things happen for a reason
I moved to my own cottage up in the hills to fix it
The pain got worse
My life got darker
Night skies became hell and stars turned into fire
Day light was the saver till I fell back where I belonged
I prayed every single day I would and could once love again
A sign of life aimed no direction
My blood, my veins, my brain
My sight, my voice, my ears
Said nothing but thought of one sight
I no long belong in hell
To gain power
You must kill the power that charges your shadow

Monday, June 21, 2010

Stars & Butterflies

He hid his face with his black and white French hat reading the paper
I sat across the room drinking my coffee dazing through what was available
Sun glazed through the busy streets of Le Rose
Human walked in and out of the coffee shop but I remained what I have started
I stop my day for no such thing
But this wasn’t just a thing that happened to be sitting across me
I, a man who tries to keep a cup straight everyday have never felt such a powerful feel
My heartfelt young as if the day when my father came back from war replayed in my life
Neither a feeling no words can describe nor a feeling one can share
A reminder of a young boy I once knew
A bright boy who always wanted more even though the best was already there
That boy grew up and had the great of a life and love
Then the boy died when there was nothing left and that boy remained died
Remained with no help left alone in a world he knows no more
The man sitting across wasn’t a great love
The man sitting across was a sign that I can feel again
A world I don’t know can turn my life into a great one
That man change my life
Even though when my world and life doesn’t seem any bright
someone or something will lead you towards it
Love doesn’t have to be what’s in front of you
It could be what’s inside holding the dark
Look around, take a step or two, open your eyes
That man could be sitting in front of you as well

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I'm Not Alone

I placed the pencil down on the wet ink and threw my blazer on
I raced down the stairs as I heard a man’s voice echo through the palace
I was jumping each step to skip time
When I came across a gentlemen standing upon himself smoking a cigar looking towards me
I looked at him while he stared at me and in seconds his lips twist into a smile
A feeling in my body slows me down
Our fingers glide into power and we both feel a feeling
I walk by him without saying a word leaving my eyes to tell the story
He stays starring into my soul
It was like a sign for my heart telling me I wasn’t alone
A feeling I once thought I only had isn’t a feeling I held anymore
A man that changed a love story in ones mind
A soul turned them into the great

Monday, June 7, 2010


An end always means a new beginning
A new beginning means a start of a journey
Sometimes a journey flies into the wrong direction
Like a bird when fighting the wind
We humans learn from our mistakes and gain wisdom
At times we get our heart crushed into pieces
At times we miss a chapter in our life so much that we discover moving on is impossible
In one’s life they will discover great chapters and terrible chapters
One will grow and some will be taken back
One will win and some will loose
One will live positive and others will live negative
The journey we all end up on is the journey we all choose
We humans aren’t operated by wires
We humans are humans that live on this earth to create nothing but a life for themselves
Tears, smiles, depression, excitement, love…are the things we build to complete a journey
I myself haven’t finished my journey
Living and loving and giving and growing are what are making my journey a beauty
I haven’t found my path that aims to great creation yet but I believe in a quote
Never say never till you have to say never say never!